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Til’ death do us part: Marriage can be characteristic of Christ even without a daily fairy tale, experts say
By Brittany N. Howerton
The Alabama Baptist
February 11, 2010
You’ve heard it sung, “Love and marriage — goes together like a horse and carriage.” Unfortunately sometimes your horse runs away or your carriage gets stuck in the mud, and that fairy tale feels more like a Rambo saga than Cinderella and Prince Charming.
But it’s pretty safe to say Cinderella never had to balance a checkbook or pick up her prince’s dirty socks. It’s also a safe bet that the prince never got bored or had to listen to Cinderella complain about not having enough time in the day.
So how do you bring it back to reality, move beyond fairy tale expectations and maintain a healthy marriage that glorifies God and honors your spouse?
Communicate.
“Learning how to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts effectively through communication is central and vital to moving forward in a healthy Christian marriage,” said Renay Carroll, a licensed professional counselor with the Alabama Baptist Children’s Homes & Family Ministries’ Pathways Professional Counseling.
And create variety.
It’s normal for feelings to change to some degree “when life becomes daily,” said J. Thomas Bevill, professor of marriage and family counseling and Christian studies at the University of Mobile.
“Practically you can deal with that by creating variety in your life — sharing a variety of experiences together so there is some kind of newness that keeps happening,” he said. “Realize it’s not ‘on the mountaintop’ all the time. It’s journeying up and down the whole way with lesser degrees of intensity. So if you anticipate that and create variety with trips or making new friends or sharing new experiences, then every new experience is a different way of sharing a different kind of intimacy.”
And consider more than just the obvious.
Bevill said obvious characteristics of distinctly Christian marriages can include worship, prayer and Bible study time together and being involved in church but other things like commitment to God, serving others and searching out ways to share your faith are just as vital.
But too often, Christians’ marriages look the same as everyone else’s, said Eileen Mitchell, an associate in the office of discipleship and family ministries for the Alabama Baptist State Board of Missions.
For instance, the divorce rate in the Church is about the same as in the world, she noted.
“But we all know what it (marriage) should be — it should be that triangle with God at the top and both partners looking to God and asking for His will,” Mitchell said. “Focusing on God and loving that person as God loves you is a whole different concept,” she said. “That’s why it’s important for people to grow together in marriage … because if they’re not focusing on the same goal, they’re growing apart.”
Although all married couples face similar trials and frustrations, Christian couples have a higher source from which to draw, Bevill said. Coming from a Christian perspective creates outlets for selfless principles “because of our firsthand knowledge of what Christ has done for us,” he said.
And because of the love God has shown, Carroll added.
“Christian couples have the capacity to love each other deeply and even more deeply than just through physical love or secularized love. … The capacity to understand agape love and God’s love increases the capacity to love each other,” she said. “That sets Christian couples apart.”
First Corinthians 13 describes love as patient, kind, gentle, humble, calm, forgiving, trusting, hopeful and persevering.
“Patience and kindness are acts that you choose to do whether you feel like it or not,” Bevill said, adding, “with patience, you listen before you defend yourself.
“And realize your partner isn’t perfect,” he said. “For any given thing [he or she does], stop and think ‘this doesn’t mean an attack on me necessarily; this can mean it’s just a bad day.’ That’s another aspect of patience.”
But sometimes the “little things” can make all the difference like “a cup of coffee in the morning, a phone call during the day, a special moment just to stop and listen, sending her flowers or giving him a few moments when he comes home from work to unwind a little bit,” Bevill said. “It’s the little things we do every day that create an atmosphere of caring.”
At the end of the day, Mitchell said the most important thing for husbands and wives to remember is Philippians 2:1–4:
“If there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Resource sites:
• www.MarriagePartnership.com
• www.FireproofMyMarriage.com
• www.MarriageCoMission.com
• www.AlabamaMarriage.org
• www.StainedGlassMinistry.com
Resource books:
• “For Men Only” and “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn
• “Never Alone: Devotions for Couples” by David Ferguson and Teresa Ferguson
• “The Five Languages of Apology” by Gary Chapman
• “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman
• “Magnificent Marriage: 10 Beacons Show the Way to Marriage Happiness” by Nick Stinnett, Donnie Hilliard and Nancy Stinnett
The Alabama Baptist
February 11, 2010
You’ve heard it sung, “Love and marriage — goes together like a horse and carriage.” Unfortunately sometimes your horse runs away or your carriage gets stuck in the mud, and that fairy tale feels more like a Rambo saga than Cinderella and Prince Charming.But it’s pretty safe to say Cinderella never had to balance a checkbook or pick up her prince’s dirty socks. It’s also a safe bet that the prince never got bored or had to listen to Cinderella complain about not having enough time in the day.
So how do you bring it back to reality, move beyond fairy tale expectations and maintain a healthy marriage that glorifies God and honors your spouse?
Communicate.
“Learning how to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts effectively through communication is central and vital to moving forward in a healthy Christian marriage,” said Renay Carroll, a licensed professional counselor with the Alabama Baptist Children’s Homes & Family Ministries’ Pathways Professional Counseling.
And create variety.
It’s normal for feelings to change to some degree “when life becomes daily,” said J. Thomas Bevill, professor of marriage and family counseling and Christian studies at the University of Mobile.
“Practically you can deal with that by creating variety in your life — sharing a variety of experiences together so there is some kind of newness that keeps happening,” he said. “Realize it’s not ‘on the mountaintop’ all the time. It’s journeying up and down the whole way with lesser degrees of intensity. So if you anticipate that and create variety with trips or making new friends or sharing new experiences, then every new experience is a different way of sharing a different kind of intimacy.”
And consider more than just the obvious.
Bevill said obvious characteristics of distinctly Christian marriages can include worship, prayer and Bible study time together and being involved in church but other things like commitment to God, serving others and searching out ways to share your faith are just as vital.
But too often, Christians’ marriages look the same as everyone else’s, said Eileen Mitchell, an associate in the office of discipleship and family ministries for the Alabama Baptist State Board of Missions.
For instance, the divorce rate in the Church is about the same as in the world, she noted.
“But we all know what it (marriage) should be — it should be that triangle with God at the top and both partners looking to God and asking for His will,” Mitchell said. “Focusing on God and loving that person as God loves you is a whole different concept,” she said. “That’s why it’s important for people to grow together in marriage … because if they’re not focusing on the same goal, they’re growing apart.”
Although all married couples face similar trials and frustrations, Christian couples have a higher source from which to draw, Bevill said. Coming from a Christian perspective creates outlets for selfless principles “because of our firsthand knowledge of what Christ has done for us,” he said.
And because of the love God has shown, Carroll added.
“Christian couples have the capacity to love each other deeply and even more deeply than just through physical love or secularized love. … The capacity to understand agape love and God’s love increases the capacity to love each other,” she said. “That sets Christian couples apart.”
First Corinthians 13 describes love as patient, kind, gentle, humble, calm, forgiving, trusting, hopeful and persevering.
“Patience and kindness are acts that you choose to do whether you feel like it or not,” Bevill said, adding, “with patience, you listen before you defend yourself.
“And realize your partner isn’t perfect,” he said. “For any given thing [he or she does], stop and think ‘this doesn’t mean an attack on me necessarily; this can mean it’s just a bad day.’ That’s another aspect of patience.”
But sometimes the “little things” can make all the difference like “a cup of coffee in the morning, a phone call during the day, a special moment just to stop and listen, sending her flowers or giving him a few moments when he comes home from work to unwind a little bit,” Bevill said. “It’s the little things we do every day that create an atmosphere of caring.”
At the end of the day, Mitchell said the most important thing for husbands and wives to remember is Philippians 2:1–4:
“If there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Resource sites:
• www.MarriagePartnership.com
• www.FireproofMyMarriage.com
• www.MarriageCoMission.com
• www.AlabamaMarriage.org
• www.StainedGlassMinistry.com
Resource books:
• “For Men Only” and “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn
• “Never Alone: Devotions for Couples” by David Ferguson and Teresa Ferguson
• “The Five Languages of Apology” by Gary Chapman
• “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman
• “Magnificent Marriage: 10 Beacons Show the Way to Marriage Happiness” by Nick Stinnett, Donnie Hilliard and Nancy Stinnett
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