Til’ death do us part: Marriage can be characteristic of Christ even without a daily fairy tale, experts say

By Brittany N. Howerton
The Alabama Baptist
February 11, 2010

You’ve heard it sung, “Love and marriage — goes together like a horse and carriage.” Unfortunately sometimes your horse runs away or your carriage gets stuck in the mud, and that fairy tale feels more like a Rambo saga than Cinderella and Prince Charming.

But it’s pretty safe to say Cinderella never had to balance a checkbook or pick up her prince’s dirty socks. It’s also a safe bet that the prince never got bored or had to listen to Cinderella complain about not having enough time in the day.

So how do you bring it back to reality, move beyond fairy tale expectations and maintain a healthy marriage that glorifies God and honors your spouse?

Communicate.

“Learning how to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts effectively through communication is central and vital to moving forward in a healthy Christian marriage,” said Renay Carroll, a licensed professional counselor with the Alabama Baptist Children’s Homes & Family Ministries’ Pathways Professional Counseling.

And create variety.

It’s normal for feelings to change to some degree “when life becomes daily,” said J. Thomas Bevill, professor of marriage and family counseling and Christian studies at the University of Mobile.

“Practically you can deal with that by creating variety in your life — sharing a variety of experiences together so there is some kind of newness that keeps happening,” he said. “Realize it’s not ‘on the mountaintop’ all the time. It’s journeying up and down the whole way with lesser degrees of intensity. So if you anticipate that and create variety with trips or making new friends or sharing new experiences, then every new experience is a different way of sharing a different kind of intimacy.”

And consider more than just the obvious.

Bevill said obvious characteristics of distinctly Christian marriages can include worship, prayer and Bible study time together and being involved in church but other things like commitment to God, serving others and searching out ways to share your faith are just as vital.

But too often, Christians’ marriages look the same as everyone else’s, said Eileen Mitchell, an associate in the office of discipleship and family ministries for the Alabama Baptist State Board of Missions.

For instance, the divorce rate in the Church is about the same as in the world, she noted.

“But we all know what it (marriage) should be — it should be that triangle with God at the top and both partners looking to God and asking for His will,” Mitchell said. “Focusing on God and loving that person as God loves you is a whole different concept,” she said. “That’s why it’s important for people to grow together in marriage … because if they’re not focusing on the same goal, they’re growing apart.”

Although all married couples face similar trials and frustrations, Christian couples have a higher source from which to draw, Bevill said. Coming from a Christian perspective creates outlets for selfless principles “because of our firsthand knowledge of what Christ has done for us,” he said.

And because of the love God has shown, Carroll added.

“Christian couples have the capacity to love each other deeply and even more deeply than just through physical love or secularized love. … The capacity to understand agape love and God’s love increases the capacity to love each other,” she said. “That sets Christian couples apart.”

First Corinthians 13 describes love as patient, kind, gentle, humble, calm, forgiving, trusting, hopeful and persevering.

“Patience and kindness are acts that you choose to do whether you feel like it or not,” Bevill said, adding, “with patience, you listen before you defend yourself.

“And realize your partner isn’t perfect,” he said. “For any given thing [he or she does], stop and think ‘this doesn’t mean an attack on me necessarily; this can mean it’s just a bad day.’ That’s another aspect of patience.”

But sometimes the “little things” can make all the difference like “a cup of coffee in the morning, a phone call during the day, a special moment just to stop and listen, sending her flowers or giving him a few moments when he comes home from work to unwind a little bit,” Bevill said. “It’s the little things we do every day that create an atmosphere of caring.”

At the end of the day, Mitchell said the most important thing for husbands and wives to remember is Philippians 2:1–4:

“If there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Resource sites:
• www.MarriagePartnership.com
• www.FireproofMyMarriage.com
• www.MarriageCoMission.com
• www.AlabamaMarriage.org
• www.StainedGlassMinistry.com

Resource books:
• “For Men Only” and “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn
• “Never Alone: Devotions for Couples” by David Ferguson and Teresa Ferguson
• “The Five Languages of Apology” by Gary Chapman
• “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman
• “Magnificent Marriage: 10 Beacons Show the Way to Marriage Happiness” by Nick Stinnett, Donnie Hilliard and Nancy Stinnett

I was inspired

“A FUTURE NOT OUR OWN”
Poem by Archbishop Oscar Romero of El Salvador — assassinated for speaking
Up for God’s kingdom and justice in 1980

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work. Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said. No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession brings perfection…..No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about:
We plant seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We
provide yeast that produces effects beyond
our capabilities.

We can not do everything and there is a sense of liberation in
realizing that. This enable us to Do something, and to do it very well.

It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning a step along the way
an opportunity for God’s Grace to enter and do
the rest.

We may never see the end results….
We are prophets of a future that is not our own.

Feeding ministries, individuals follow Matthew 25 example

By Brittany N. Howerton
October 22, 2009

Hunger.

You know what that feels like. You’ve felt it at some point, those pangs of an empty stomach waiting to be filled.

Thankfully you probably didn’t have to stay hungry for very long.

And thanks to the efforts of ministries that have chosen to follow Christ’s example in meeting needs, neither do people like “Poppy,” who spends most of his days occupying a table at Linn Park in downtown Birmingham.

“Here, you will never be hungry,” he said, glancing at the men and women gathered around the park’s patio. “Birmingham people will feed you. Birmingham is the only place where people on the streets won’t get hungry because most of the time, somebody is going to come through and feed you.”

Having lived in the city for 40 years, Poppy has slept under bridges and trees and on park benches. He’s helped build banks, waved construction flags and sold cigarettes at 25 cents a pop.

But there haven’t been many days Poppy has gone without food.

“It’s because people here have religion,” he said confidently. “They really believe in their religion, and their religion says to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, give to the poor and help the hungry. They see this as a way of showing that.”

People like those at Journey, a community of faith connected with Dawson Memorial Baptist Church, Birmingham, in Birmingham Baptist Association, see giving food to the dozens occupying the downtown area as a way to introduce them to Christ.

They, along with those from three other area churches, take meals to the park on the second Friday of every month.

It doesn’t matter what brought a person to this point, said Rob Duncan, Journey’s logistical coordinator for the ministry.

“We’re going to provide a meal, give a good message and meet their needs as best we can,” he said, citing Christ’s call to care for the “least of these.” “We just think it’s scriptural to meet needs. It’s not for us to judge … but to meet needs and present the gospel, and hopefully we’re presenting it in words but also in actions.”

It’s the same reason that Ann Miller and her husband, Charlie, decided to get involved with a local soup kitchen.

“It’s so basic to who we are” as Christians, said Miller, a member of Lakewood Baptist Church, Huntsville, in Madison Baptist Association who has been volunteering weekly at the Rose of Sharon Soup Kitchen for nearly four years.

But she admitted she had fears about getting involved with people in need initially.

“I don’t know if it made me feel more responsible for them and I didn’t want to deal with it,” Miller said. “But God … led me to come to the ministry, and now I’ve never done anything as rewarding in my life.”

Duncan noted that some Christians choose to miss the blessing.

“A lot of times, I think we’re the other two in the good Samaritan story. We cross the street on the other side and walk away,” he said.

But there are not enough excuses to negate the responsibility God has given His followers, Miller said.

“God is calling us. … I think we know it deep inside, but we run away from it and just don’t want to devote the time, the energy, the resources or whatever. It’s easier to pretend that this is what they want and this is what they have and go on. We (as Christians) get caught up with each other because that’s easier.

“But God loves those people as much as He loves us, and if we can’t at least give them some relief … something is very, very wrong with what we claim.”

Slams on NAMB?

In recent months, we have seen many changes come about for Southern Baptist entities: The announced retirement of Southern Baptist Convention executive committee president Morris Chapman; the ousting of NAMB President Geoff Hammond; and the announced retirement of International Mission Board President Jerry Rankin.
Ironically enough, just months before the mission boards’ leadership was shaken, Southern Baptist Convention President Johnny Hunt unleashed a Great Commission Resurgence task force, through which rumors have stirred of a mission-merge. Or better, a mission board makeover thus eliminating two separate boards and creating ONE board.
While many Southern Baptist “elders,” if you will, have voiced hesitation — and some, opposition — to the task force, others have risen up with nothing but support.
I cannot help but think stirring believers to a better understanding of and motivation toward the Great Commission Christ has given can be most beneficial. I even think, in some ways, the creation of one mission board through which funds are channeled and missionaries can be sent locally and globally would not be a bad idea.
However I do have huge opposition to the degrading and devaluing of a missions entity that has served as a domestic evangelism catalyst since its establishment in 1997, after three SBC agencies merged.
Recently the Associated Baptist Press reported that Duke McCall, a 95-year-old retired denominationalist (having led three SBC entities for a total of 40 years), wrote an essay included in Carl Kell’s “Against the Wind: The Moderate Voice in Baptist Life” saying NAMB is a “wasteful funding mechanism” that “has served as a pressure device to keep state conventions in line with Southern Baptist Convention programs.”
McCall expects to see NAMB’s role diminish or disappear during the 21st century.
Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary President Danny Akin has also said NAMB “is broke and has been broke for a long time,” North Carolina’s Biblical Recorder reported.
Moreover on Oct 23, a panel discussion on the Great Commission Resurgence was held at Southern Baptist Theological seminary, during which Russell D. Moore, dean of the school of theology and senior vice president for academic administration, said NAMB “doesn’t work.” He compared NAMB to the IMB saying, unlike IMB, NAMB doesn’t have a good track record for “filtering people out, saying you’re called to missions, you’re not. You’re able to do this, you’re not.”
Jon Akin, of Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, added that the IMB is the only SBC entity that draws young people into the denomination.
“I talk to young people [and ask them], ‘Why is it you’re in the SBC, what do you love?’ The No. 1 answer is IMB. Another entity is not named ever,” he said. “I think we’re caught up in doing a lot of good things but need to prioritize the best things so our people will be excited about it.”
So if you are a NAMB missionary, you’re simply “caught up in doing a lot of good things,” but not good enough to be a priority?
Or if NAMB isn’t working, we are to just tell those missionaries thanks for your help, but the time you spent working for the Lord through that organization was ineffective? Oh and those lives you helped impact for the gospel? Yea, maybe all that wasn’t worth it after all? Is that what we’re saying? Is that the message we’re willing to send?
Consider families like Alabama-natives Jason, Genee and Josiah Duckett who are evangelizing and planting churches in DuBois, Pa because of their placement through NAMB. Impacts have been made and lives are being changed through their work to further the gospel. This is not to be negated.
Let us not become so high and mighty on our own horses that we end up fighting battles that we create with one another, rather than fighting toward the cause Christ put forth.

All things Autumn

Let it be said that Autumn is officially my favorite season. Leaves of changing colors blowing through sunlit streets, the sounds of football announcers and raging fans echoing through the house and the aroma of pumpkin pies and toasted pecans filling hearts and tummies.

It's simply beautiful.

Autumn also marks a time of pumpkin carving and pumpkin-patch going — something of which my roommates and I had to take advantage. So off we went Sunday afternoon to visit the Hayden Pumpkin Patch. It proved to be a jolly time of candy-apple eating and perfect-pumpkin finding (along with every other child in north-central Alabama).

Upon returning to our lovely fall-decorated home, we immediately set out with one task in mind: Carving the perfect pumpkin (with deliciously roasted pumpkin seeds to follow). Silence fell over the table as 10 hands set to work, chipping away at the course shelling of the farm-grown orange sphere. Success claimed the reigns as we arose with our completed projects, each screaming with the "personality" of its creator. What's left but to wash the remnants of the large gourds to prepare its seeds for roasted perfection. From salted and Parmesan-Italian to brown sugar-cocoa and cinnamon-sugar, these birthrights were a delight to withhold. And nothing could complete the evening but a lovely fire, proving perfect for s'mores making.

Choosing to make a difference

By Brittany N. Howerton
The Alabama Baptist

Aflao, Ghana — that’s where the streets are paved with garbage and power lines stretch through the town like a case of unraveled dental floss. It’s where a large cemetery runs along both sides of one street, reminding residents of the area’s high mortality rate. It’s where homes look like rickety shacks and motorbikes are the most affluent form of transportation.

But past the town seemingly in shambles, there’s a wall surrounding a safe structure that houses 40 children, who otherwise would call that garbage-lined street home.

And in that structure is a unit dedicated to a little girl from Albertville whose vision to take the gospel to African children forever changed Solitude Baptist Church, Albertville.

Four-year-old Jesse Brooks dreamed of sharing Jesus with the world. And although a tragic car accident took her life in 2002 when she was only 10, it did not take the dreams God had planted in her.

Just five years after Jesse’s death, her parents, Chris and Tammy Brooks, found themselves doing things they never thought they would do — things Jesse had wanted to do.

“We knew she had a heart for children and for ministry, but we never knew the Lord was going to use us to carry out her dream,” Tammy Brooks said.

She searched for several years for a way to honor Jesse’s life by helping children, but it was not until 2007 that a door of opportunity was opened.

When an evangelist from Art Alive Ministries visited the Marshall Baptist Association church, sharing about the needs of the Good Shepherd Happy Children’s Home in Aflao, Pastor Joey Cannady knew it was just the kind of ministry for which both the church and the Brooks family had been looking.

So out of Solitude Baptist, the Jesse Brooks Foundation was formed, and funds were given to build the Jesse Brooks Dorm.

“In April 2008, Chris, Tammy, myself and another person from the church went to Africa and had a dedication service for the building, and that’s when Tammy agreed our foundation would fund 100 percent of the support for those kids,” Cannady said.

And that’s just what the foundation is doing now — raising funds to provide for all of the 5- to 16-year-old children at the home.

But the foundation is hoping to do even more.

Once the children turn 16, “they are let go of the orphanage, and there is nowhere for them to go,” Tammy Brooks explained.

So during a July 14–Aug. 11 trip, she and five others scouted out land to host a vocational building at which the 16-year-old children can begin learning trades for hopes of a better life.

“God showed us a [plot of land] … and it’s an absolutely perfect place to do what we had dreamed we’d be able to do,” she said.

Those dreams also include more dormitories, a missionary house and maybe even a church.

But it’s about more than just training the children to cook and farm, Tammy Brooks added. “It’s about training the children for going back out into the country to make change.”

So the team also spent time discipling local pastors and their wives and hosting Vacation Bible Schools (VBS) for area children.

“Some (of the children) had walked several hours to get there, carrying (younger) children on their backs to come to VBS, and they were just amazed at the singing and learning about Jesus,” Tammy Brooks said.

And with the recycled VBS lessons the team took over to be used as Sunday School curriculum, church leaders are equipped to teach even more children.

“You would have thought you had given them a million dollars,” Tammy Brooks said. “Certain things weren’t even in the packs and they don’t even care. For them, it was, ‘Just give me books; just give me something to be able to teach these children.’ … This curriculum to them is a way to draw other children into the churches.”

Even though she doesn’t fully understand why God has entrusted her rather than Jesse with this task, Tammy Brooks knows He makes straight the path of the faithful.

“Every day, I ask God, ‘Why in the world are you allowing me to do this?’ It wasn’t even a dream I had had. … But it’s so humbling to be a part.”

For more information, visit www.jessebrooksfoundation.org.

Why do we get so scared?

It's because we're afraid, isn't it? I mean, let's be honest really. We don't always like to experience things with which we aren't familiar.

The unknown.

It sounds beautiful when we think of exotic locations, spontaneous road trips and the end of a well-fought football game. But if we're talking about people, well now it's just much easier to not even go there, right? It's much easier to not have to worry about them. You know, those people. The ones that aren't like us. The ones that may not really understand a home or sitting down with family or having money to go shopping on a whim just because we need something new for this seasonal change.

Those people.

It makes us uncomfortable. Scared. I walk through the automatic glass doors at Wal-Mart to grab a cart for my grocery load and Mary catches my eye. She's just sitting there on the green metal bench, hoping someone might give her a second glance. You've seen her. Well, you've at least noticed her. Taking time to truly see her sitting there, to see her need, that takes effort. Time. Sacrifice and humility.

But you can't help notice.

If I stop to talk to her, my group will be waiting on me. I can't make them wait. That's rude.

If I stop to talk to her, I know she'll ask for money and she'll probably just use it to get her next fix.

If I stop to talk to her, I will actually have to acknowledge that she just may become a responsibility in my life.

No, no I can't do that. I can't make them wait. I can't give her money. I can't take that responsibility. She probably wouldn't understand or wouldn't remember anything I had to say anyway. So I quickly grab my cart, avert my eyes and hustle into the store, making a mental note to exit out the opposite side of the store upon departure.

You know you've done, thought it.

But what you don't know is that Mary does understand. She does notice.

What you don't know is that Mary lived with her elderly father until he passed away last January. Her mental illness did not provide her with much opportunity for holding down a job and there was no one else to take in a middle-aged woman with disabilities. So it was the streets for her. She busses around town as often as possible, making stops at whatever location she desires. Wal-Mart Market on Green Springs happens to be one of them. And the Chinese buffet up the way has her favorite chicken and collard greens, when she can coerce someone into buying her some that is.

What you don't know is that Mary's favorite snack is barbecue potato chips and ice cold Mountain Dew. She'll take that any day, staying careful not to consume the entire bag of chips in one setting.

What you don't know is that Mary has actually heard of God. She knows that his Son's name is Jesus and that He died on the cross. After that it gets a little fuzzy.

But if you take time to talk Mary, you can explain that Jesus died on the cross because He loves her, because He wanted to take her place. Because even though we don't always do what He tells us, He loves us anyway and wants something better for us and to live for Him.

Maybe she gets it. Maybe she doesn't. But she's heard and you can say that you know that wholeheartedly. It doesn't seem so scary anymore does it? I mean, now that you know her and all, she's not so scary. She's just a story waiting to be told. She's a heart waiting to be taught, a tummy waiting to be fed.

Why do we have make it so difficult? Yes we are commanded to take care of the least of these. We are commanded to provide for orphans and widows, to feed the hungry and take care of the poor and NOT FEAR.

We must learn that ignoring does not negate the responsibility. Just because you pretend not to notice doesn't mean the problem disappears. Take up your call. Accept that responsibility. If you dare claim Christ as your own, dare to execute His example loudly. To everyone. Even Mary.